I discovered this pattern quite sometime back and Ive learnt how to deal with it...but above all, the awareness of the same was quite an eye opener. The trend is that if Im told to go to any place or travel to a new city or an unfamiliar location, I would internally feel so intimidated, disturbed, scared and curious and what not! Fear and reluctance would be written so invisibly but for acceptance sake, I would talk myself into it and make it happen. But first Id feel like some evil force has entered my body and is shaking it up like a blender...inside out. I feel like puking and Id suddenly lose my voice or my ability to move my feet. All sorts of non-sensical scenes would come to my mind.
Since most travel schedules were morning flights or night trains, Id have to tag along with my bosses or at times by my own...and that would mean wake hours before schedule so that I dont miss my departure schedule! That would set the tone of the entire journey! My first step of suspicion would begin with my trust of my own timings! Often I would succeed and with the help of my dad, Id beat time...not before I doubt my own abilities! Thats how I actually got myself into doing a lot of self-talk and self-you-can-do-it talking!
Things wouldn't stop there wouldn't they! Once I landed or arrived at any new location, Id always ask every alternate shop, auto driver, bus driver and conductor, citizen and even kids who would know the locality inside out. The best part would be that they would all give me the same and right answers to my redundatn questions often but I would relentlessly pursue to ask more people again in a feeling that Im being duped. Evil or mean you may call it, such was the extent of my suspicion in a new place. My luggage would be stuck to me like glue with my hands doing a frequent frisking to check if every necessary item was in place. I wouldn't spare checking my pocket belongings too for every 5 - 10 minutes. If the place I went to had a language problem, the time interval of checking would be worse...say close to every 2 minutes.
New routes on the bus / cab / auto was another killer! Id have to act as a spy noting every area name and route (a habit Ive developed after watching numerous spy and espionage movies) and mentally or visually memorize the routes. The fear of being lost or confused would keep me in a grim mood and wouldn't let me enjoy the sights. Unpronounceable, Illegible and what not, if the names were not in my terms of clarity or safety, my walking speed and heart beat would match an Usain Bolt's clocking speed on track. Well, no one quite understood why all this happenned...I had to get to the bottom of this issue someday and I actually did! i took me a few minutes and a few memories to grapple with in order to bring some sanity in this madness! To go to the roots of this all, I would narrate 2 incidents that influenced me or rather that inspired me to think this way.
I once was with my parents in a monsterous shopping center in Kuwait and amidst the maddening crowd, I was holding their hands and I was about 6 - 7 years old at that time. In a snap of a moment amidst the turbulent crowd, I was separated from my parents and was literally pushed aside and I lost sight of them. Like being thrown around and circled by, I lost my direction and the location point at where I lost my parents. I ran as fast as I could and at the same rate, my tears were pouring out like never before. I was stuck in a mall which was one of the biggest in the country and I dint know the language nor the locality nor the people. I ran from pillar to post sobbing calling out mom n dad and peeping into each shop to see if I could sight them...but couldn't do so...for about 20 minutes. After almost losing every inch of hope, I entered my favorite store thinking the toys would give me some solace...and to my relief...it did. I found them there...checking out some new Transformers toys which they promised to buy me that day...and I found them at the place which intuitively called me there. I went in running and hugged them both and told them that I almost lost them...much to my surprise, they dint even realize that this all happened because they themselves were awed by the toy store and its new toys which they wanted to buy for me...well...now you can imagine how I freaked out! All was well after that...
The 2nd instance is more fictional but close to what can happen in a war time. Note - 1990-91 was when the first Gulf War had taken place and evacuations were aplenty (a story I will narrate later). I was watching this WWII movie by Speilberg called Empire of the Sun where a young Christian Bale gets separated from his parents and ends up in a Japanese POW Camp and undergoes all the trials and tribulations of a troubled and lost boy. The scenes from the movie were then etched in my mind forever because the war in Kuwait was getting worse by the day and the curfews dint help either. Every time my dad or mom walked out to the stores, I was never sure if they would ever return. Such has been my childhood times and now one can imagine why I feel so when caution is thrown in the winds...quite literally!
When all of this culminates, it sounds like a raucous symphony from all directions, amplified with multiple overtures, motifs et al. that blares my life out in all directions and it is in that moment when I think of home as a safe haven. Known is always limited but the unknown is what at times mystifies me but cautions me. In recent times, Ive been able to do a lot of self-pushing and self-talk and moreover its now more of a conversation. I deal with my own suspicions and have begun to trust the world as it comes by and not rely on my past. If it wasn't for that effort, I wouldn't have visited some major and minor places on the map (with a lot more places on my map to go to).
The dawn of realization actually came to a symphonic climax when after 17 long years after my evacuation from Kuwait in 1991, I made my first overseas trip to Hong Kong. It felt special but again curious of what was to come. When we took off that evening...the only thing I saw was the inviting skies and a carpeted welcome by the musing clouds. I felt I was a part of the skies that engulfed all my doubts...yes, I had grown up then but the child in me was still alive and kicking (which it still does till date...even as I type this). The only way I would have initially felt was to go down or straight up...at that given moment, after a series of thoughtful image filled memory passed my vicinity, I actually felt that the flight was heading nowhere else but straight ahead. It was then that I was done with my symphony of suspicion...It played for so long...and I laid it to rest, forever!
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