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Sometimes I defy writing any sort of philosophy in my blog but the only places I dwell is in birth, life and death...the journey. A few weeks back, the entire journey unfolded in front of my eyes and I had to pen it down...to feel better and to learn what was in store in this uncertain but certain future. So here is my take on what I believe what we are and what we end up being...
We cry, yell, groan and finally smile when we are born...mothers who see that pain as pleasure that is certainly unforgivable. We are born naked...physically, mentally and emotionally. Wrapped and polished for the world to witness another sucker! We want everything we see, we seek, we hunger and thirst for from that moment on...and no one to stop us. We seem to think that we own what hits our sights or hearts or minds...accumulation of both the tangible and intangible then becomes our next quest in life...
Seldom do we put into use what we have gathered...but collection then becomes the order of the day...now comes the crucial thinking point...what are we collecting and what is worth collecting? In India, the quest for wealth (if you are born middle class) or the quest to survive (if you are born in the Below Poverty Line) take charge of our priorities and then all the mayhem begins...societal terms and conditions apply and we then condition to think on those terms and lose our own self in all this madness...it is here where our downfall begins...mistake me not!
We gather but do we bother to give? We take but do we bother to share? All the things in life we learn...but do they teach us how to prepare for our ends to where we go and how we go? Is there something we can establish that says...when we die...we die alone with nothing in our hands except for memories and blessings with our last breath.
My grandfathers sister who stayed with us for more than a year spent her last few weeks bed-ridden...writhing in pain and waiting for her end...a religious woman herself, all she could do was to wait for her calling...and one day it came. But her last few days and her last few words taught me a lot of things in life...and it changed my perspective completely of what we are and what we must be, before we meet our maker.
I gather wealth for survival and not for splurging...I gather knowledge to share and not to hold back from the coming generation...I love music as we are born with the most rhythmic beating of the heart...I write for the world to know of what I am and will be even after when I'm gone...I will love and spread the message of peace and love to everyone around...I don't want to die a hated soul. I learn to laugh than just collecting jokes...and I will not harm or hurt anyone here on...I may have done that in my past...intentionally or unintentionally...herewith not.
I do live in remorse and regret but I have certainly made amends and reduced those heart-burns and heartbreaks and heartaches. I have confessed, apologized, admitted etc...and I feel lighter now...my soul is ready to fly for sure. But a lot needs to be done...in this materialistic society. Intrinsic joy is the current pursuit and I am doing what my heart tells me to...my mind will be my guide...but I will do as my heart tells me. It might sound cliched or corny...but who cares? it is me...my choices that determine who I am and what will I be...it is what I do than what I say or write...
Everyone of us will meet our ends...its the journey that matters that will lead us to our ends. Its a choice we all can make...there is still time, there is still hope to all those who feel defeated and done and dusted with. When I heard those last words from that dying soul...all that mattered to me was that feeling of be happy and keep others around you happy. All that I had collected or amassed turned to dust in that moment of truth...that moment call life...death rather!
I hope my rejuvenated journey will take me to my destination...there is no map...but there is a way...the road less taken...I will one day...after it is time...when all is said and done. I will take my characterful soul with me someday...that has defined me thus far...into another world...empty handed but heart filled...I hope that after I'm gone...I am remembered in good spirits...Cheers!
There are times in ones life that disbelief and amusement go hand in hand...moreover, the fact that we are called to demonstrate in what we specialize...not knowing how good we actually are, is a good example! Such a thing dawned on me recently and it was one of those moments where I couldn't stop smiling whenever I thought about it...before the curtain raiser and after the curtain's fall...
A mundane day at the office was shaken by reality that hit me the hardest...dint pain though, got me laughing! All I hoped, that it wasn't a gag...and it wasn't! A call from an unknown number and I was apprehensive that it must be from a damned credit card ad or a ringer tune offering...it was none! This gentleman takes time to introduce himself and the purpose of the call and Im listening...I say just one thing in the entire call...Yes Sure! That's just 10% of the call and the agreement is made...a guest lecture on Creative Writing at Loyola College...audience...final year English literature students from both the bachelors and masters course!
A back-bencher, a rebel and an average studious guy, hated lectures...did it all! Ridiculed professors, cross talking, arguments, bunking, delayed submissions and of all the people, I had been invited as a guest speaker on Creative Writing! It was at that moment I believed in...This is Life! And it was happening...
Next was to prepare for the battle! Students, crowd, young guns, boo's, cynics, distractions et all! My mind was racing in all directions to decide on how to deal with this upcoming debut and it was then I decided to prepare it from a students perspective itself wrapped up with a story of my journey in writing! It was then I reminded of how theories and books dint actually help when I was in college...it still wasn't helping today's generation because we always wanted the real deal...and I was going to give it to them!
How do I dress up? Permission from Office? Announcement to friends and family? Photos and notes? What do I speak? Whom do I refer? blah blah...so may questions! Never knew speaking was so tough...but what the hell! I was to speak on my passion for creative writing...so why fear? That was how I overcame my fears and made my presentation ready!
D-Day...10th March 2010 and the hour nears and I'm all dressed up for the occasion and Boss is happy to give me permission! Friends and colleagues pour in their wishes and calls to wish me well and i set out on a hot summer day on my way to the college! Reach there just in time...damn traffic! I arrive at the scene and Im shown the way to the hall and boy...there was some crowd! A session was in progress and questions galore on journalism as a career...but my mind was elsewhere!
I meet my co-guest speaker...an accomplished poetess Sharanya Manivannan and shes prepared as well...cool as a cucumber! I'm huffing, puffing, racing heart beats...it was all about to come crashing down! The session introduction is done by the host and we are introduced by our profile sheets...mine obviously been beaten to death by Sharanya's profile! Well...not a good start but nevertheless...scope for improvement!
Sharanya delves into her area of writing passion and moments and Im all awed about her nitty gritty details and so was the crowd...dumbstruck, the crowd applauded her effort and fired a few questions which she dealt with panache and style...smooth as silk. Next on stage...yours truly!
And then it finally began...lights off and the monitor flashes with the title and the slides...I felt like a completely different person on stage than what I was off-stage and it worked! The alter ego funda worked and it was blockbuster! As it continued from slide to slide, it became a dialogue and a story telling session and I could certainly see an engrossed audience...and that pumped me even more! The entire lecture went in full flow and my only message was to inspire and pushing people to write...anything newly written is creative! Mentioned my inspirations and credited my heroes and mentors who helped me get this far...the applause followed and it was music to the ears...it was only then that i realized that it was close to 45 minutes of speaking...a bottle of water to fittingly quench my thirst!
The Q&A session was interesting and was probably the coolest part of it all! That extended to almost another 30 minutes or so and it was just pure fun to answer all sorts of questions ...from personal, tragic, fun, inspirational to instances of truth and dare etc...got a few damsel eyes staring at me as well..it had it all! All inclusive...it was a splendid moment and was worth looking back as a revelation and a turning point for me to say the least! Thanking everyone and urging all to write no matter what comes through in life...picking each moment in life but telling not the obvious...to write with the twists of thought and emotion...
I did receive a memento as a sign of thanks and it was an honor to even be on stage and tell people about my passion for writing...my creative side of life had indeed come full circle and i felt at the top of Maslow's Motivational Theory's Triangle...I'm glad I wasn't booed or thrown rotten eggs at or even criticized...I was certainly humbled by the open audience and the applause was a perfect climax.
For me, it was a 'rockstar' moment in life thus far and for those about to write...I salute you!
After a short passage of time, here is another slight return to form...see if you can crack this one!
A barren desert with circling flames
The nomadic heart that beats a lone rhythm
An empty paper with a story to tell
A temple of gods, with no priest to bell...
See if you can stretch your imagination on this one and let me know if you could nail this enigma!
Till the next cut is delivered, happy reading and happy decoding...
"Poetry Doesn't Sell"
"Sorry we cant publish your works"
"Its not a lucrative business opportunity"
"It wouldn't work out...we don't sell poetry"
Ive heard it all...on the phone, through letters, through e-mails and on my face...and February is when I drove those demons back to their graves and buried them forever. After persisting and persevering for over 12 years...a dream has come true and will be cherished forever...no matter how small the piece or presence looks in the entire picture...it doesn't matter. This is just the beginning...
Some might think that I might be going overboard with this story...but one shouldn't hide away from the truth...Im laying it bare as is to what the voices in my past have filled my mind and heart with. These are the voices that drove me to bounce back higher and forced them to eat their words. I have never felt so victorious in my entire life than at this moment...what seemed impossible and far-fetched is now tangible and true.
This dream took 12 years to come true (much less than some more deserving poets from pillar to post) and it took much more than I expected from me and I became a better and a stronger person. Good things don't come easy..and this wasn't easy...but at the end...it was the best of things to have ever happened. But the dream took 2 years to come to life after the actual 10 year wait...at that moment it seemed like so near but yet too far. The last mile was painful and miserable, but light at the end of the tunnel...
All credit goes to the team at Prakriti Foundation...but my first thanks in this pursuit would go to Dr. Lakshmi Ravikant who helped me get in touch with them and it was only then that things began to change...began to move...the wheels of fortune began to roll.
The 2007 Poetry with Prakriti Festival was my first gateway to this dream and this was a memorable experience. In 2008, after the first festival got over, the second edition was a promising event and got a lot more response and fervor in the circle and then the announcement was made...an anthology of all the poets with their select works to celebrate its success of the poets and the art of poetry. This was my moment of truth...but this would then take its own twists and turns for 2 long years and taught me the virtue of patience and persistence...
In February 22nd, 2010...the warm applause faded away into an evening that sounded the horns of victory. I sit in my chair and a memory of the last 12 years of my writing rushes through me in images...the founder comes to the podium and reads the introduction a warm applause follows. he then requests each poet to read out their works to showcase them to the press and the public. My turn comes and it takes me a moment to reach there and a deep breath to gather my words...
The book is in my hands and my name and works is in that book...with an ISBN (my first ever)...Poetry with Prakriti 2007 - 2008 is the title...and its pages are fragrant. Amidst some wonderful and awesomely talented poets from all over the country, my name is in that crowd somewhere. I was there...after 12 years or relentless and persistent affair with the art and now it had come boiling down to this glorious moment...and I was soaking in it. The bruises and the scars of the past were now washed away and it felt like a dip in the Holy Ganges...a rebirth.
My turn comes and my speech begins..."this is my first ever publishing effort...with an ISBN and Id like to thank everyone who made it possible...its an amazing feeling to be published along with some awesome poets from all over the country...its an honor. Its taken 12 years but its been worth every effort and drop of blood, sweat and tears. So here I am and a special thanks to my friends who made it to the evening. The poem Im about to recite is dedicated to a friend of mine who was one of my best fans and the silent critics Ive ever had...he'd be scared to even say a word but his silence was my best answer...hes no more now and the poem I'm about to recite was on his favorite themes of Pirates and Adventures...this is dedicated to him. This one is called 'Pirate I am, Aye!'
After moments passed, a drop of tear and a emotional performance...a warm but loud applause from a senior and well-read crowd gave me a feeling that could have never been better. My dad was present and was probably one of his moments of silence but filled with thrill and joy...it was written all over his face and he knew it! Thanked my class teacher and my muse to have got me this far and it was then that I had a breath of relief...that the battle had drawn to a close...victory it was and it tasted sweet.
But somehow, this felt the end of the beginning of the war...more fuel now was added to the fire and a battle cry now turned into a well planned journey. With many more dreams in its cradle, this has now become a journey with a broader perspective and a larger goal. The first battle took 12 years for sure...but the war is far from over...and the darkknight is now looking forward to it.
Dear Meera...if you are reading this, thanks a lot for everything! :)
(Tommie Smith and John Carlos give the Black Power salute at the 1968 Olympics)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1968_Olympics_Black_Power_Salute
In the spirit of February being the month of the romantics, I had to pen this true story down. Though we all have our past stories and tales...those that worked and those that didn't, it was probably the most silliest thing that I had ever done. But at the end of it all, it made me feel strong...it made me feel humble, but most importantly, it made me feel that I was in love...such was the plan...such was the story.
At this juncture, I don't remember the day or month but I do remember the year...it was the summer of 2001-02 and I was in my 1st year of B.Com and we had just returned from our District Meet. We made a lot of friends and one mighty impression that wasn't easy to build at that given time. It was in that same Meet in Vizag that I met a very special person for whom...in a very long time I had my heart beating a little faster and deeper. At each others sight, we knew there was something going on, but as lore would rightly play it...she refused to acknowledge it and a scene without dialogues began...nothing was spoken...but a lot was conveyed.
While returning from that trip...I spoke to no one thinking she might never talk to me ever (it didn't happen before that at all). But before we got to our last station...a voice caught my attention and I almost fell to my knees when I turned around to see who it was...it was her. The only thing she asked was for my number and if it was alright to stay in touch (all of us were exchanging numbers because the whole gang was splitting after a 4 day festival). What could have I asked for at that given moment! And we exchanged numbers and stayed in touch...once in a while...Time flowed and due to her restrictions at home, we could only meet in such forums and we did have those eyes and smiles go around and I was in a completely different world of my own.
This time, her college were invited to our institution for an initiative that we were hosting and they agreed. I was completely unaware of this because our seniors were the organizers...so we were just coordinating and helping around. It was a 'Blood Donation Camp' and one of the most faithful and sincere events. I was walking around thinking that I could never donate blood...and I had never done it in my entire life...I was walking around faking that I was sick or that I had recovered from an illness and what not! I also managed to say that I was an alcoholic or an addict. But on that very day, all of it changed...
Guess who came to camp? It was her and she waltzed in like she was dancing on her heels...Oh...that scene! What an entry and my faking turned to freaking! In my heart...the blood pumped faster than I could have imagined...what a moment! She walks in and greets the gang and still hasnt spoken a word or a 'hi' to me yet...I wait for her to near and then it all begins..."So are you donating as well" she popped up the question I was supposed to ask...and within half a second...I replied..."Of Course" and she gave that smile which ringed out loud 'Wow Im impressed and so brave of you!'. Now I was thinking...where did that come from and many of my friends were a little shocked and turned to me (indicating...we will catch up after the event is done and dealt with).
So I walk into the donation room and have a word with the nurse to just check how painful and what not does it feel like when the process happens (all this when she is just about to walk into the room) and the nurse ensures me that its all going to be just fine...somewhere I felt, it wasn't going to be so...
After certain basic questions and tests, I lie on the bed ready to show my veins and before I can notice or prepare the brave look, a drenched cotton bud is on my hands and then the needle shoots through (and it was now that I felt like a first time addict) as the pain kinda got me off guard...she wasn't near the window thankfully...after 5 seconds or so...I saw my life flow out of that tube...it was my blood and it was being taken away! What was I doing???
As minutes passed, I felt a little drowsy and it was then that she waltzed across the window...to see me and my bloody act of courage. It was in that moment, that I had to shoo away my drudgery and show a brave face and a smile to just say...'I'm alright' (which I wasn't)! She looked me in the eye and I felt that I could just keep looking...it was at this moment, the nurse interrupted saying that I had donated enough for the first time! Somehow this fell on her ears and she got hold of it...what now!
I stepped out of the bed and I almost fainted...no one but the nurse saw this (now that you've read this confession) and she was a very kind soul who brought me back on my feet and handed me a box of refreshments and gave a big thanks. In my act of nobility, I did not know how to react and I walked out being a hero and she was there...waiting for me. I held my left hand vein where the needle had its sip and pretending to be a touch painful than usual and she asked if I was ok...oh that question made me feel so better! I said I was fine...but wasn't still but that was ok. She was indeed happy and we had a nice laughter and talk about it and all of that...don't know if she had noticed that by now I was totally in love with her...
She left with no grand promises or anything of that sort that day and my friends had a rowdy time with that incident on that day...but it was all worth it. It takes gutsy efforts and a little bloodshed to seek what you love and this case was quite literal for me...but probably the most bloody romantic moment in my entire life (besides many other attempts). Guess its a part and parcel of life...mistakes and choices that we make and take, makes us who we are doesn't it! And after that day, I have not donated my blood at all...the fear still prevails but the memory still remains...
As for her, shes now happily married an settled elsewhere (with someone else obviously)...but we did share this moment and many more in light conversations...acknowledging each others feelings...but a bit too late for that all.
But to look back and see all of this come to perspective, isn't it true that we do a lot of foolish things when we are in love,coz only fools rush in...don't they! It made me stronger...though the story ended a few years of trials and tribulations...many such things happened after that with many other stories...but this was probably one of the most memorable or perhaps my bloody valentine...
